Friday, August 01, 2008

Burlesque Alice Lineup

--Sexy Alice & Her Lineup for Saturday August 2nd--

--Match A-- 6:00pm (Court A)

1 Erik Rusch

2 Buscher & Co.

3 Mullikin

4 Kalena & Friend

--Match B-- 6:00pm (Court B)

1 Radim & Scotch Mist

2 Justin Lorenzin

3 Reeder

4 Denyce Rusch

--Match C-- 7:00pm (Court A)

1 Quinn of Hearts

2 Daler & Hibbs

3 Nate

4 Gilberto

--Match D-- 7:00pm (Court B)

1 Sundar & Karan

2 Hillary Swanson

3 Mad Nav & Caddy Claytor

4 Will 'Cheshire' Merydith

Click here to view Evites:

First rounds start promptly at 6:00pm. Rules will be explained at 5:30pm just before the first matches begin. Once all prelimenary games have been played, you will then know which round you'll advance to and who you will play next(We'll annouce it, Either the Semi's or the Wildcard). Bring a lawn chair if you've got one!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Demented Rules and and How to Love Them

Sometimes you get side-swiped by those you least expect. For instance, we expect Homeland Security to be a bunch of grunts who are mindless and whose idea of fun is to take a left turn without signaling. Then you see the Bat signal, and because you're driving down an alley of garbage cans you see the marked marauder in full underpanted nakedness, and you realize "Holy Crapshoots, Robin is really a Homeland Security grunt".

But I digress. Thanks to Mr. David 'Homeland Security' Stakland, we've had to delve deep into the muck of the Green Card Lottery Rule, and come up with some clarifications. Questions are italicized. Answers are not.

Here's a quick summary of the results, and we'll get into it in more detail below:

Attribute | Swapped?
Ball | No
Physical placement of ball | Yes
Progress through course | Yes
Order of play | No
Poison status | No
Points | No
Dead/Fresh | No
Cigar | Negotiable*
* See below for details

I can think of three possible interpretations of this idea - you'd better clarify:

Some ill dressed geek swaps my ball with someone elses. This means one of three things:
1. Now I have a black ball, for example, instead of a green one, and I continue on as before, except I'm playing in a different order because the order is still determined by ball color.
2. I keep my original ball, but now I've been moved to some other ilk's old position and they've taken mine. I'm still going for the same wicket as before and he's still going for his, and we still play in the same order as before.
3. We both get to keep our balls, but not only have we switched physical position, but we've also switched our progress, so now I have to take up shooting for whichever wicket he was going for and he is going for the one I was on.
I suspect you mean 3, since it is the most foul.

You are correct, sir. Honestly, did you expect anything less from us?

If it's 2 or 3, then here are a more questions:
Q1 If I'm not poison and I switched with an unnatural poison, does that mean I'm now unnaturally poison? If so then unless I get temporary immunity from the INS, then I am likely deported before I get a chance to take a turn. For example, what if the unnatural poison's wife is deemed best dressed, and her spastic spouse managed to park his sorry ass a foot away from someone shooting right after him. The clever wife switches his ball with mine, because she doesn't like my tie, and presto, I'm out of the game, despite my illustrious reputation and monumental accomplishments. Only my Quaker upbringing would keep me from deep sixing them both and setting fire to the jacket. On the other hand, if I had immunity until my next turn, at least I'd have a prayer of salvaging the situation.

Oooh. that's a very nice request. Of course, you realize that the INS would just say "And why is that my problem? And I bet you want a shoulder to cry on too?!". But as foul as we may be, we're still vaguely human, so I say ok, you get temporary immunity for one round only. Let's call it the Green Card Honeymoon. BTW, you don't acquire poison - the poison status still stays with the player and the ball (an immigrant is still an immigrant even with a green card). The only thing that the swap does is alter positions on the field. Playing order, points acquired, poison, and generally bad personalities are still retained by the player and the ball.

HSS: Q2 What if I'm an unnatural poisoin and the same questionably clad psycho switches me with another unnatural poison who was sitting right next to the person shooting after me? Or if I'm not poison and get placed right next to a poison shooting next? Either way, I'm meat. I demand sanctuary for a turn.

BCC: Same as above. You get your short-lived, one-stroke honeymoon.

HSS: Q3 What if I'm an unnatural poison and have had a good run, racking up some points. Then the Swapperbitch swaps me with some Also Ran still struggling to figure out which end of the mallet to use to bash their own befuddled brains out. Do I keep my points, or does Also Ran get them?

BCC: Good question - points don't transfer. Only positions. So you keep all your points even if you're now bottom of the pack.

HSS: Say some lunatic decides to hit the poison stake right off the bat instead of going through any wickets. Later, when I'm going for the 12th wicket, Swapperbitch switches us, the lunatic having miraculously survived to this point. He keeps his poison status and I keep my non-poison status. If I understand you right, I am now going for wicket #1, since he never fulfilled that obligation. Dastardly as that is, I suppose it's consistent with the foul intent behind this twist. Whatever wicket he last made it through is now the last one I've made it through

Indeed. You've hit the proverbial stake on the noggin.

HSS: DRTC2: When I'm swapped, am I still "dead" on the same balls I was "dead" on before being swapped? Or do I inherit the "deadness" from my swappelganger?

Oy vey. Good one there. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that
deadness is nullified on swap. We'll assume that you're ok to move
forward and abuse anyone, since this is, after all, a pretty foul move
all round. Might make it a bit more level that way.

HSS: DRTC3: Can a ball on the course be swapped with one belonging to someone who hasn't started yet? If so, on my first turn I could knock my ball as hard as possible into Henry County, then bribe Swapperbitch (by offering to call her Swapperbabe) into switching me with some hapless dweeb standing there with his ball in his hand and be free to play the game without worrying about ever seeing the dweeb again. Of course, if Swapperbabe were bribable, this ploy could be exploited at any time - smash your ball into the Netherworld, switch with Secretariat, adjust your Panama and light up your Havana.

BCC: Much as I want to say Ole to this one, I think we should restrict the swaps to only played balls. i.e., swaps can only be made with balls that have made it past the Tee-off (but they don't need to have gone through any wickets, so it still satisfies your evil-ness). So you still have bribing opportunities, which is really what the whole Green Card thing is about anyway.
One thing that I think you're forgetting is the miraculous competence of the most incompetent right when you least expect it (i.e., the Daler).

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Foreign Immigrant Exchange Croquet

You've come here seeking knowledge, yes? Good, we have been expecting you. I know, you are impatient and want to know exactly who you're up against so you can figure out your exact strategy. Hold your hosses Julio, we're going to take this easy. Like the INS. This is Foreign Exchange Croquet, so you'd better get used to the Customs check, the Visa lines and the joy of bureaucracy.

Got yourself comfy? Alrighty then.

This season's croquet opener promises some goodies. First up, new course. Center Court has been re-assigned to better pastures. We now have a fabulous, larger, more pitted, and better positioned pitch which is going to make all you hard-core mallet handlers very very happy. Or very very angry. Either way we're thrilled :-)

Now for the creme de la croquet. We've got an treat for those of you who like to dress up (and maybe an extra special threat for those of you who don't). Don't forget Baba's priority is all about style. We're going to institute the Instant Green Card Lottery rule.

Now we all know that the best-dressed *should* make it to the finals, but sometimes life can be so unfair. This is where Baba's comes to the the rescue. Yeah, we have some Zoloft in the back room, but more importantly we give you the gratification of messing with the finalists. The best-dressed mallet masher gets the opportunity to swap any two balls during the final round.

So, things to keep in mind before starting your Green Card Lottery application:
1. The best dressed player (yes, this rule is only open to those who are actually playing at some point during the night) is the ONLY one who gets the Green Card.
2. You don't have to actually play in the final round to be able to swap balls. So you can be chucking wedges all night and still find the promised land.
The Instant Foreign Resident gets to swap any two balls in the final round any time during the game for absolutely no reason at all. But this can only be done ONCE.
3. If a swap is to happen, the ball swap MUST happen before both swapees become natural poison. [Huh, what?!]. So, what this means is that natural-poison balls are off limits for the swap. But everyone else is fair game, including premature-poison.
4. The Green Card swap cannot happen during a turn. Just the same way you can't have a Green Card and an H1 together. Wait for the end of a turn to make the swap.

I hear a lot of you saying "oh it's so unfair" and "i feel completely out of control". Yeah, welcome to the Green Card and naturalization process amigos.

Last thing we should add - the lineup in the other post (see the grid below or above). Some of you are wait listed, and we'd love to see you play. We've been dreaming about Samurai Shrosbree going up against Team Mexico Middle Management. So, work on teaming up with one of the lone wolves and see if we can't get everyone on the courts.

And there it is. Oye Como Va, comrades!